"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief."
Psalm 31:9
Hello friends,
I get many e-mails and questions about grief and I often struggle with answering your questions because grief is very personal.
The grieving process is so different for everyone and there is no right or wrong answers on how to grieve. It is a very individual, life-long journey and although I am quite experienced in feeling the pain of grief, I am by no means an expert. I can only share how I feel, but that does not mean that others who are also grieving would feel the same way. That is one of the most important things to remember . . .
Everyone grieves differently.
I struggle, just like you do, knowing what to say to those who have lost a loved one. I can understand so clearly the wave of despair and the agony of their loss, but I don't know how each individual will respond to that pain and what will comfort them.
Some people get angry,
Some people feel relief.
Some people turn to God,
Some people run away from Him.
Some people sceam & cry,
Some people find no tears.
Some people want to be by themselves.
Some people want to surround themselves with friends.
Some people become withdrawn,
Some people talk incessantly.
Some people want your comfort,
Some people are uncomfortable by it.
I have witnessed so many different reactions to death and grieving over the years. You never really know how people will respond until they actually go through it. No way is the "right" way. It is your own journey.
My journey has been very personal . . .
it is a roller-coaster ride everyday.
It has been almost 3 years since Jacob's passing and grief is still there . . .
It is no longer a noose around my neck - suffocating me, ripping at my heart.
But it is there, walking along beside me - my constant reminder of my loss on earth and my hope in Heaven. It is my friend - my time with Jacob, my deeper relationship with God, a part of me and who I am now.
Unfortunately death is part of this life. It became a part when Adam & Eve ate that apple and let sin, evil & death enter our world. And with it came the grief of God. This was not the way God intended our world to be.
"The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain."
Genesis 6:6
But just as surely as death and grief walk hand in hand, so does comfort.
I could not have survived my grief if it were not for God's grace.
Before Jacob got sick and passed away, I had a difficult time truly understanding exactly what God's grace really was.
God's grace is defined as "unmerited favor" or God showing His love to us even though we don't deserve it. His grace is always available to everyone and His grace gives us the strength to get through difficult times. His grace is why we grieve with hope. His grace mends our broken hearts.
I have been showered by God's grace in an amazing way and I thank Him for it everyday. We are so undeserving - yet His love carries us through when we trust in Him and BELIEVE. God is good and I am overwhelmed at times by His faithfulness.
I'd like to share a poem with you that I have had bookmarked for a while. It explains so much in a beautiful way and might help you understand the journey of GRIEF. . .
Grief
by Gwen Flowers
I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.
Thank you all for being here with us as as we continue to journey through our grief. We appreciate your love for Jacob, your prayers and your encouragement more than you will ever know.
Ending with a scripture . . .
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
Revelation 21:4
Comforted by His grace,
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
Revelation 21:4
Comforted by His grace,
22 comments:
Though my loss is so differnt from yours - I thank you for this post from the bottom of my heart! God is using in such a powerful way.
if you don't mind - I would love to put a link in my blog to this post - I have a lot of family that reads my blog that would really benefit from this post. Please let me know if it is OK -
julia@globalorphanteam.com
again - thank you for sharing you hreat and thank you for having a heart so full of Jesus:)
Hugs to you
Julia
:-)
I really liked your post. I too have felt that suffocating and dark place of grief over the earthly loss of my son Brandon. But God is so faithful to always help me to keep from letting my ETERNAL VIEW become clouded by my temporary view (some days that can be a struggle). But PRAISE God this is not all there is!
Thank you for sharing, I enjoy following your blog, while walking on this same road.
Love,
Dawn Hastings
You always have such a great way of sharing your emotions and thoughts. My heart breaks thinking about the loss you have suffered and the reminders of it each day. But, you have shown the ways life can go on, and yor son is with you each step of the way. Gone, but not forgotten
What a heartfelt message in your update. My husband attended a funeral of a friend a few years back. The grandfather of the deceased used the example of losing a finger. Once the finger is gone, you learn to go on without it but every glance, almost everything you do it that reminder of what is lost.
Your life is such a powerful testimony of your faith in God and His son Jesus.
Don't you just LONG for the fulfillment of Rev. 21:4? I can't really even imagine, but sometimes, I try. Heather, I do have to say that your very public walk with grief has provided so much encouragement to me and many others. Leaning INTO God instead of turning AWAY from Him has allowed His light to shine through all of your broken places. And that light has been a comfort to anyone who reads your blog. And, to be able to watch Allie just blossom in your care has been a beautiful thing, as well.
I know this will make this comment really long, but I absolutely love this song by Jeremy Camp:
There Will Be a Day
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.
Waiting for that day....with hope..
Pam
p.s. my word verification to this post is "rests". How cool is that?
Thank you Heather. I am going to share your blog with another mom who is also struggling.
this was a beautiful post! and a wonderful reminder for me. I grieve with hope as well and get overwhelmed as well with His grace.
thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you for being such a caring and wonderful person and opening up your lives to all of us and through your life journey, really making me want to do better in my own life.
That is quite amazing, I just came over from the page of little Lucas whose parents are suffering so greatly from his loss. I thought of you immediately and came here, and found a post on grief. Amazing.
I think we see all the happy posts, happy photos, fun times, it's easy to think "there's a family who lost a child, and they're doing so 'well' compared to another family." I guess you make it look easy but as your post shows today, it most certainly has not been easy for you. To quote 6 year old Kira (brain tumor) "You can be happy or sad. I'm going to be happy." You chose to find happiness in spite of your grief, and not make your boys feel that they lost their mother, as your mom felt.
Thank-you, Heather, for being so open about grief.
I, too, do not know how people survive grief....without knowing that Jesus conquered death....& through His Grace.....all tears will one day be wiped away!
Just know that I continue to pray for your family, as the Lord brings you to mind....
Here is a verse that has been such a comfort to me....when grief threatens to sink me down.
Psalm 56:8 (New International Version)
8 Record my lament;
list my tears on your scroll [a]—
are they not in your record?
How did you get a Gwen poem?!!!!!!!!!!! Gwen is such a wonderful woman!
I know this post couldn't have been easy but oh my you explained it well!
Know that I'm here praying!
Psalms 16:7-8 I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons. I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Heather, you are such an inspiration! I thank you for being the person you are. I don't think I have ever posted to you. I started following you way back in the caringbridge days with Sweet Jacob. I would get up every day wanting to check the sight, to see the updates on him and the family. While I was never raised in the church, I decided one day I wanted to learn about Jesus. I didn't know where or how to start. I became a mom and really wanted my kids to grow up knowing Jesus but how was I going to teach them if I, myself did not know him. Not proud to admit, but many years went by, all the while in the back of my head I wanted to know about Him, have that special relationship I had heard people talk about. I just didn't know how or where to start. It was around that time and I am not sure how I found Jacob's caringbridge but I did. I sat up for HOURS reading about sweet Jacob and your family. I remember feeling "I want what this woman has, I want a faith strong like that, an assurance, a concrete feeling, I want Him in my life. I stopped and prayed... I had prayed for years but this time I really prayed. I told God I didn't know what or where to start, if I was even praying right but that I wanted him in my life. It was the first time I ever can say I felt His presence. I felt like He was there, wrapping His arms around me, telling me it was okay and I just had this peaceful feeling about it. While this has been many years back, I am still trying to learn, understand it all and its been such a journey. Not having anyone spiritually in my life, I feel like I am just learning as I go. I pray every morning, thoroughout the day, etc and I know He is there for me, with me, guiding me. I love reading books and right am reading Unbinding your Heart. I guess what I am saying thru all of this LONG note is that I thank you..I thank you for being that person that I think God put into my life at the right moment. Like I said, I don't know how I ever came to Jacobs site but I believe that He had it planned all along...thank you for your honesty, for everything you share. I LOVE reading and you have taught me so much!
Thanks Heather,
I love when you share your heart with us.
I've walked along side of you and your journey and have seen your faith soar and your love for Jesus remain UNSHAKEN.
All of our journeys in life are different, but it's obvious that Jesus has made such a difference in yours.
I continue to pray for you, rejoice with you and grieve with you too.
Your light shines so brightly. It's been such a joy to know you and your family over these years!
Heather~
What a beautiful, wonderful, HELPFUL post. I go way, way back to Jacob's CB page days, and check in here quite often but very rarely, if ever, leave a comment. I just had to let you know how this post touched me; I especially love the "broken" heart image, the poem and the scriptures. Thank you for sharing.
You are so incredibly wise and gifted with your writing. Jacob has given a lot of us Hope in our heavenly home and I'm thankful for getting to know him. The picture of him fishing has always been my favorite of him. I think I've said that before and I love seeing it again. He looks so happy. Blessings.
Heather,
Thanks for stopping by my page and for the prayers....You're right we all deal with grief in our own way. It's hard sometimes, you never know what to say. When I lost my Dad, I was angry with him and God. I just didn't understand why he wrecked, why he died and his friend lived....I didn't like to talk about his wreck, but people always ask questions. Like did they have to put fake parts on him (bad things happen in car wrecks, you don't want to discuss parts of your loved ones body that was tore off), did he suffer or was he killed instantly, I would get sick over some things that I was ask. I think it's ok to ask questions. I learned from his death, somethings you should never ask.
This was a great post Heather... I hope you had a great weekend...
I am always so moved when you share your grief journey with us. Thank you for being so transparent because I have a feeling that many readers are blessed by your honesty... I know I am.
I also love when you share pictures of Jacob; no matter how my day was going, it is always brightened by his smiling face. He is such an inspiration!
Keeping you in my prayers!
Heather,
That was such a special post on grief and thanks for sharing so openly.
The poem that you put in is SO true and helpful.
I appreciate your godly wisdom and honesty. God is certainly using you Heather to be an encouragement to others!
Take care,
Anna
Love the cardinal, too!
Always here praying!
Psalms 18:2-6 The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies. The sorrows of death compassed me, and the floods of ungodly men made me afraid. The sorrows of hell compassed me about: the snares of death prevented me. In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Great post, but I wish so much that you had never needed to learn these lessons. Thank you so much for helping us learn and grow.
Thank you for praying for Abby and me. Your encouragement and prayers mean so much to me. Honestly, I am so tired it is hard to write, but I will catch my second wind soon.
I love the new pictures. Your family is beautiful as always.
What a blessing it has been for your readers for you to share so much of yourself. I know it must be a struggle to be so open and also therapeutic at the same time. You are an inpspiration. I recently read a magazine article that metioned the documentary "Space Between Breaths." Have you heard of it? It is about living your life with grief after the loss of a loved one. I haven't watched the whole thing, only the trailer on the website but I thought of you when I did. www.spacebetweenbreaths.com Thanks again for being so open.
Susan
This truly blessed me - thank you!
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